Wednesday, October 8, 2003

Would anyone like to read genuine letters to Viz magazine?

1. Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

2. What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

3. Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only
had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my
son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

4. What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and
quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get
their story straight.

5 I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

6. WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.

7. Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue
serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

8. Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

9. The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

10. They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.

11. If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

12. These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down

13. We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London
beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left
his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa
, Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be
with us.

14. Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .

15. I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

16. Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon
on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she
has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan

17. So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off.. I
know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

18. I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending the other one?

Answer on Would anyone like to read genuine letters to Viz magazine?

Quite a few good laughs in that joke, thanks again, got to be 30 out of 10.